What to Say, and what to Avoid

You’ve reached the difficult part. You’ve found a place and a time, now it’s time for the issue at hand. The main thing to remember when having a difficult conversation is that whilst it might seem like it’s you against them, you should be trying to work as a team to find a solution. The reason we engage in difficult conversations is because there’s something that needs to be addressed, and this won’t be enjoyable for either party. Therefore sticking together, and being constructive as opposed to destructive can lead to a healthier, happier outcome.

The way to start a difficult conversation is to BE POSITIVE. Thank them for taking time out of their day to speak to you. Allow them to get comfortable within the environment, and in the context allows for it, offer them praise for prior work or performances. Let’s take the teacher again. They might say to you – ‘You did really well last term with your assignments, but lately, you haven’t been reaching the same standard. Do you know why?’ – In this example, they’re showing you that they do believe in you, which can help to support your self belief, but they’re also engaging with you by asking a question. Like I said, you should be working as a team, and therefore hearing what each other has to say, and listening, and taking note is a great way to find a healthy resolution. Of course, there’s no law that says you have to agree with everything they say, there’s a good chance you won’t, but hearing them out, and reflecting on their point of view and their side, can again, lead to a healthier resolution through a mutual acceptance.

Besides engaging with them, there are other points that you’ll want to both do, and avoid. These include:

STAYING FOCUSED – The best way to make sure that a difficult conversation is resolved, is by sticking to the matter hand. Getting distracted by other, less important matters shifts the focus away, and can actually end up making the issue even murkier because it’s only been partially addressed. If there does happen to be multiple things that you want to talk about, then stick to the one who started with. Multiple issues can potentially overload the individual, and deprive them of any confidence. There’s always time to talk about other issues, but if you want to address something specific, and they’ve taken time to talk about something specific, then stay focused on the topic.

ACCUSATIONS – There’s no quicker way to derail a constructive conversation, difficult or not, then by throwing around accusations. Accusations are lazy, misinformed insults that offer nothing but problems. Difficult conversations are difficult enough without being accused or blamed of something that might be a complete lie. If you want to come out of a difficult conversation with feelings of positivity and a sense of improvement, then accusations will need to stay far away.

BREAKS – Not every difficult conversation is going to be over in a matter of minutes. Depending on what the issue is, they can last hours and even days. The key is to notice when you’re not progressing. There’s no point in talking and talking if you’re not going anywhere with it. Sometimes taking a break, and letting yourself cool down can help in allowing you to come to a suitable conclusion. As long as you’re using breaks constructively, and not as a way to avoid talking entirely, then there’s nothing wrong with taking your time, and taking a break.